Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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