so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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