i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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