Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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