I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
