Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
