Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
