someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
