suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i think i just lost a toe
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
