C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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