just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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