We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
