He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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