It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
