I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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