I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
