Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
