I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
