I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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