At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
