My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
