I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
