$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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