It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
