Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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