"it" just moved
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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