I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Vodka?
Forever.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
