I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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