I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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