I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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