A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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