Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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