not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
