My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
