So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
