Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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