did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
