so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
