No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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