You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
