remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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