I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
