That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
