Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You dont lie about slip and slides
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
