Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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