I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm really busy with my period
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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