what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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