Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
