my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
