I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
