from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
