he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize