his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
