So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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