I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
