Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
