Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
