All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
